Rubidoux

Hi, it's me again, real me.

I know we don't talk a lot, personally.

I guess everything is me talking, every character is an extension of myself, my evenings, the constant pressing urge to tell the same story satiated nightly. Have you caught on to that yet? It's all the same. It has to be me or it would be anything else at all.

Still.

I just want to make sure you're doing alright, you've been awful quiet lately. I say a lot of things, and sometimes I stop meaning them after I say them, and sometimes I didn't mean them to start with. Stop taking me seriously please, because I'm certainly not going to any time soon, it's just not in me.

I'm writing more stories, more side stories. I invented a character, named Max like I usually name my characters until I can draw them and discern a real name. Don't even ask how I draw them without knowing what they look like first. I swear I'm not losing my mind anymore, but I don't know if that means I'm back to normal or I've made normal out of something new. Guess we're always making normal out of something, so in the long run either option is sufficient.

It's going to be a long time until we can talk again, I feel at least. It just doesn't come natural anymore. I've lost something and I'm trying to find it. The one security I had while I was trying to impress you, that one solid grasp on myself, even if it wasn't on my thoughts, on my actual soul. I've lost it. And I'll grab it again, but that means some time away. I'm quiet and reserved, but I'm solid and unmoving. I'm uncaring. I'm honest though, that's a prevailing trait. You'll be the second one to know, trust me on that.

Good thing you kind of left in your own way too. I wouldn't want you to miss me. I wouldn't want you to notice even though I'd want you to care if you did.

I'm going to find myself again, my control. I can't be myself and everything else everyone always needs if I can't even be myself. One foot in the saddle though right? Life will still go on, it's nothing no human has experienced before.

Someone asked why all the "classic" novels were depressing.

Maybe it's because when you're happy you're out being happy and living life. It's just when you're sad or confused or torn that you have time to sit and ponder and write short stories. I find that characters are solid, unchangeable personalities. Strikingly one dimensional. I wonder if I am one dimensional. I don't seem to be able to be me when I am not being me, and I certainly do not seem to be able to be anyone else. I just turn into nobody and float, or I turn into a rock and dig my granite roots into the dirt.

Here's to finding ourselves.

Let's meet back up once we both find out what we're looking for, and get what we're deserving of. Let's talk about what we learned and who we are and who we're certainly sure we cannot be. Let's be impartial and unbiased and everything nobody ever is and listen to music we both like and then wonder why we even considered leaving.

Okay?

I love our late night talks, but I still feel like it's very one sided. Talk more alright? I can probably handle it.

Goodnight love.

"Max woke up and realized, someone had stolen his heart."