(What Can Be Read Of It)
Why did I join this goddamn war?!?! (hole in paper)
F (smear) king God, man! Who would put another human being through this?!?
T (blood stain covers words) nly thing that keeps me going is this shit journal. What the hell am I doing in this place? Dearest beloved, my god I miss you. Every explosion only brings me fear of never seeing you again. Each scream is just a reminder of the sound of your vo (smear)
Holy hell! (bloody fingerprints mark this area of the page) The stench of another human being...can be...the most revolting thing (illegible scribbles) but I guess that's what's got to happen. A man is ten times heavier when he's dying, trust me on that one. Sometimes this stagnant air becomes a calm orange dust, and it reminds me of your perfume....but I would never liken you to th (writing stops)
(writing resumes, obvious passage of time)
So the boys are all in bed, for some reason I'm just now getting my adrenaline. I can't sleep in these conditions. It's not the stench of piss-helms or the taste of gunpowder glued to my tongue. It's not the mortar or the grenades. It's something inside, I know war is no place for a...whatever I am...but somehow I feel like I could grab this. I could feel this place in my hands and mold it to my liking. This is my clay, and I have just started to work it. Formulate. Dedication is all I lack, but I compensate in persistance and careless abandon. I could do this.
(tiny scribbles, handwriting is shakey)
I can feel you, I can feel you around me.
I can see you everywhere.
Please be in that doorway on the hill.
Please be under that tree.
Please don't stand on that patch of dirt there, there's a landmine.
Please don't make a sound, they'll hear us.
I can't do this.
I am so afrai(smear)
I am so afraid.
I could have never done this.
What am I doing here?
I can feel you holding me and that's all that's keeping me still.
I can hear you talking and that's all that's keeping me quiet.
My fingers are crossed, but they're on the trigger.
My boots are too tight.
This uniform is covered in blood.
None of it is mine.
This was a terrible idea.
I cannot do this.
(illegible)
I am so afraid.
We are so gone.
We are not invincible.
We are already dead.
I love you.
(handwriting changes, obvious passage of time)
It's done and I'm over. This war is the last thing I shall ever commit myself to. I cannot believe what I...what is inside of me...my god...(smear)
(handwriting changes, very fresh ink)
Who were those men? Who am I? Their faces, always agaonized. Was mine calm? Were my friends calm as they fell? The unlucky, no more or less tact, just designated by the divine to mis-step into a grim setting.
I cannot wait until I can see you again love, I need you now more than ever. My legs are shaking, they cannot bear this tired soul much longer. These hands are heavy with caked earth, it's disgusting. All I can think of is going back to you. This has to be over. This is surely the end of me. The men, in fear, prayed to god. Now they call him a smoothe bastard. They seem so un (smear) Well I am.
Never.
Again.
-Francis
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